Communication Icebreakers for Kids

Communication Icebreakers for Kids

Communication with your child is crucial. Keeping an open line of communication between you and your child keeps you informed on what is going on in their life, their friendships, and also increases the likelihood that your child will come to you for advice when they have a conflict or are in a dilemma. While this information is helpful, getting children to talk is not always an easy task, especially when a communication disorder is present.

Communication is not always easy, and talking about more serious or intimate topics does not just roll off the tongue. Reaching a more intimate level with your child requires time and practice talking together. Here are a few simple and easy DIY icebreaker activities to open up dialog and start to get children talking. With these communication icebreakers, you can work on getting to know your children better, practice conversation starters, and start building the foundation for a deeper, more intimate relationship.

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Talk Toss

The first icebreaker is called Talk Toss, and is a very simple, and portable activity that could be played virtually anywhere. Here is what you will need:

• 1 ball (of any size)
• 10 strips of paper (more or less is fine)
• writing utensil
• 1 die
• timer/clock

On each strip of paper write down a topic. Make sure to include both light and fun topics, as well as heavier or more intimate topics. This step can also be done with the child, and may make the child more receptive to playing if they have a choice in what some of the topics are. If your child wants to help write down topics, split the pile in half so each person can come up with topics. Another important note is to keep the topics vague. More specific topics can corner the conversation, limiting movement (for example: “Favorite Colors” would be hard to talk about for 6 minutes). After all the topics have been chosen, fold them and put them in a bucket or bowl.

Some examples of possible light topics include:

Favorite movies

School

Music

Hobbies

Sports

Places to visit

Video games

Fashion

Examples of possible heavy/intimate topics include:

School

Achievements/things I’m good at

Conflicts

Things that make me sad

Things that make me happy

Relationships

How the game works:

Each person will take turns picking a topic, and rolling the die. The number on the die will determine how long to set the timer. Once the timer is started, each person will take turns tossing (or rolling when working will younger children or children with gross motor limitations) the ball, but with each toss, the person has to say something about himself or herself that relates to the topic chosen. This turn-taking continues until the timer goes off. Play until all the topics are finished or a certain amount of time is reached. Depending on what number is rolled on the die, 10 topics could result in a 30-60 minute game.

Helpful Hints:

As parents, it is important to channel your own experiences. If the goal is to reach more intimate conversation, you will have to be more vulnerable with your answers as well. For example (with school as the topic), “At school I was really good at math” is not as provoking as, “At school I didn’t have a lot of friends.” With practice this game can invoke more honest and “authentic” answers from your child. However, if they do not reciprocate right away, do not panic. Opening up requires being vulnerable and requires trust – both of which require time. If the child feels pressured or rushed to open up, the opposite of what is desired may occur. A slow and sincere approach will usually yield the best results. An additional benefit to this game is that it is flexible, and can be played almost anywhere. A small bouncy ball, a Ziplock bag, and a cell phone (for a timer) can easily fit in a purse or carry-on bag to be utilized in a waiting room, airport, or in the grocery store.

Grab and Gab

Grab and Gab is another communication icebreaker that can be made for very cheap, and can be played with several players, or just two! Materials needed include:

• Jumbling Tower puzzle game (can be found on Amazon.com for as little as $9)
• Permanent marker
• Tape labels (optional – will allow the blocks to be changed in the future)

Take all of the blocks in the game, and divide them equally into any number of piles (it is okay if they are not exactly equal; Usually 6-8 piles is sufficient). If using tape, apply a strip of tape to one side of each block. For each pile, come up with a starter sentence. You will be writing this sentence on the block (or the tape). Some example starter sentences can be:

If I could be any animal I would be …

I feel happiest when ….

I feel nervous when …

Things that make me happy are…

I often think about …

My favorite quote is …

How the game works:

Once all the starter sentences are written on the blocks (or the tape), the game is played just like the original Jumbling Tower instructions (see the instructions included in the game), only the player has to finish the sentence on the block they choose before they place it back into the puzzle. An alternative version of the game is to have one player pick the block, and the opposite player (or player to the left if playing with more than two people) has to finish the sentence. This alternative method will be helpful if the child starts to memorize which blocks contain certain sentences, and starts to strategically pick or avoid certain blocks.

Helpful Hints:

This game is very similar to the Talk Toss icebreaker. It is important to have a good mixture of light/fun sentences and heavy/intimate sentences, and it is important that the child does not feel forced into starting the game off by saying something they do not feel comfortable sharing. The goal is to make the child feel comfortable, and that comes with time and practice. If the deck is stacked too heavy, you will not get the results you want. Be aware that some questions (for example, “If I could be any animal I would be…”) may lead to more personal or intimate answers than expected. Do not assume that a light sentence answer is irrelevant. An answer of “… a bear because they get to hide away in a cave for 9 months and not talk to anyone,” tells more about a child’s internal emotional state than “… a monkey because they get to eat bananas and I love bananas!” Sometime the answer can have more meaning, and sometimes the answer is just straightforward. It’s important to be listening to the answer, and really trying to understand what the child is telling you. The main goal of the game is to learn how to communicate, and that includes active listening. (For more important information on effective communication and listening, see my previous post ‘Tips for Improved Communication’ here.)

If the starter sentences start to get routine, or you think of new starter sentences you would love to add, you can always change up the sentences. It’s always a great option to include the child in creating starter sentences.

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These two communication icebreakers are a great way to start practicing dialog between parent and child, and to reach a more intimate level of communication. The icebreaker games can be played for fun, or during more serious moments, and can be played almost anywhere! Remember, the most important part is that the activity is fun, relaxing, and not forced! Oh, and do not forget to listen! If you are not getting the answer you want right away, that’s okay. It takes time and practice! Do not rush the experience, and the results will be rewarding.   Stay tuned for more interventions and icebreakers!

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Vanessa Lemminger M.A., LMFT 53937
Marital and Family Therapist

© Vanessa Lemminger, M.A. Marriage and Family Therapist 53937, 2014. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Vanessa Lemminger, Marriage and Family Therapist 53937 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

This blog (https://vanessalemminger.wordpress.com/) is for informational and educational purposes only. No therapist-client relationship arises. The information provided and any comments or opinions expressed are intended for general discussion and education only, even when based on a hypothetical. They should not be relied upon for ultimate decision-making in any specific case. There is no substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health specialist, or even a physician, who could best evaluate and advice based on a careful, considered evaluation of all pertinent facts. Likewise, it is understood that no guarantee or warranty arises from the information provided or discussed on this (https://vanessalemminger.wordpress.com/) blog.

Teaching Children to Confront Conflict

Teaching Children to Confront Conflict

One important lesson for children that is often passed over is learning to confront conflict. When a conflict between two peers occurs – for example, “Mom! Joseph threw his toy at me!” or “Mom! Sarah colored all over my picture and ruined it!” – our first response is usually to intervene and correct any wrongs. We jump in to immediately stop the argument, and dish out punishment. Does this scene look familiar?

“Mom! Joseph threw his toy at me! Then he laughed about it! It hurt really bad!”

Mom enters the room and immediately turns to Joseph.

“Joseph, did you throw your toy at Jacob? That was not okay. If you can’t play nicely then you will have to take a break up in your room. Do you understand?”

Joseph nods silently while giving his mom an apologetic stare.

In this scenario, the child tattles and the parent jumps in to lecture. The child misbehaving learns from the parent what is acceptable behavior, what is not acceptable behavior, and what is expected of him from his parent. The child also learns what consequences the parent will deliver should his behavior not change. All these lessons are important, but what is missing, however, is a lesson on confronting conflict for both children.

The child misbehaving – Joseph, in our example – is interacting with the parent only. The only person he has to apologize to is his mother, and the only reason why he should behave nicely is because his mother will be upset and he will have to take a break in his room. The consequences are dictated and determined by his mother, not his peer. This is often why children will misbehavior with peers when parents or another adult is not present.

Confronting conflict on their own (with the help of a parent), teaches children how their behavior affects their peers, and that regardless of a parent’s reprimand, there are consequences to face with their peers as well. Let’s re-approach our first example:

“Mom! Joseph threw his toy at me! Then he laughed about it! It hurt really bad!”

Mom enters the room and immediately turns to Jacob.

Mom: “Jacob, can you tell Joseph why you are upset?”

Jacob turns to Joseph: “You threw the train at me and it hit my arm! It hurt really bad!”

Mom: “Now it’s your turn to talk Joseph.”

Joseph turns to his mother, but his mother stops him: “Joseph, look at Jacob. Talk to him, not me.”

Joseph turns to Jacob, but his silent. He waits for a few seconds with an apologetic stare: “I was just giving you the train to play.”

Jacob looks at his mom prepared to rebuttal. Mom points back to Joseph with a look of encouragement.

Jacob: “You didn’t give me the toy. You threw it at me. I don’t like to play when you throw things at me.”

Joseph: “I’m sorry Jacob.”

Jacob: “It’s okay.”

In this scenario, instead of the mother being a main part of the dialog, the two children were. Jacob and Joseph were able to confront each other and discuss the conflict themselves. This situation allowed them both to practice confronting conflict, which takes a lot of courage and confidence. It also helps a child learn how to regulate their emotions and anxiety during a state of arousal. Although one child is really upset, he practiced using a calm voice to confront his peer about what was making him upset.

In addition, the children also learn how to take responsibility for their behavior. An argument of “No I didn’t! He did!” is averted when the conflict is kept between the two children. The children do not have to prove who did what, as there is no adult to mediate. The mediation is between the two children. In this situation, Joseph learned how to accept his behavior, and take responsibility for his actions. Both children also learned that it’s okay to make mistakes. When children confront conflict together, there is no “naughty” or “bad” child, just forgiveness.

Lastly, one of the most important lessons learned when a children successfully confront conflict together, is how their behavior affects others. In the conflict above, Jacob stated: “I don’t like to play when you throw things at me.” Their friendship and time together was at stake, which was more valuable to the two children than a short break in their room. When working the conflict out together, children learn there are other consequences to their actions aside from how their parent’s will react. Acceptance from peers is important, and is what will help a child from doing hurtful things in the future when a parent or teacher is not around to see.

Learning how to confront conflict is an important lesson for children that can be practiced every day at home and at school. Take the next moment of crisis during play to teach children how to work the problem out together, accept responsibility, and learn how their behavior affects others around them. Focus less on the consequences, and more on the dialog between the two children. Utilizing these teachable moments will help develop more responsible and emotionally secure children, and will leave you feeling less like a dictator, and more like a peacemaker!

  Vanessa Lemminger M.A., LMFT 53937
Marital and Family Therapist

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© Vanessa Lemminger, M.A. Marriage and Family Therapist 53937, 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Vanessa Lemminger, Marriage and Family Therapist 53937 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

This blog (https://vanessalemminger.wordpress.com/) is for informational and educational purposes only. No therapist-client relationship arises. The information provided and any comments or opinions expressed are intended for general discussion and education only, even when based on a hypothetical. They should not be relied upon for ultimate decision-making in any specific case. There is no substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health specialist, or even a physician, who could best evaluate and advise based on a careful, considered evaluation of all pertinent facts. Likewise, it is understood that no guarantee or warranty arises from the information provided or discussed on this (https://vanessalemminger.wordpress.com/) blog.

 

 

Tips for Improved Communication

Tips for Improved Communication

Effective communication is an essential part of every relationship.  Communication is one of the most common factors in relationship conflicts, and is one of the main reasons couple and families seek help.

I wanted to share some great words of wisdom and tips for improved communication from George F. McHendry, Jr., Ph.D., an Assistant Professor of Communication Studies at Creighton University.  You can find more information about his work on his website here.

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For the last decade I have studied and taught courses in Communication and Rhetoric and I am always surprised at how easily people overlook the role communication plays in our lives. While we often speak in clichés like actions speak louder than words, we forget how intimately tied words and actions are. We establish credibility with others, build relationships, and maintain the minutiae of daily life with and through communication. Instead of lamenting that a person or a politician is all rhetoric and no action, take some time to think about how our shared cultural values generate the rhetoric we use and connect to the actions we do and do not take.

These are a few tips and suggestions I often share with my students in an attempt to encourage more careful and mindful communication. While none of them are earth shattering, when I work carefully at using them in my everyday life I can see the quality of the relationships around me improve.

First, the best piece of advice I have ever received about communication came from my mentor. He was fond of saying “Listening is an ethical choice we make.” Hearing as an auditory capacity is not the same as listening. Listening is an intensive activity. Listening requires vulnerability. Listening and willing to be vulnerable to what someone has to say allows us to communicate in a more open environment. We often fail to listen because we allow our predispositions to block communication before it ever begins.

Second, be active in your communication. We often thoughtlessly react to what others say. This begins a negative chain of communication that can be counter-productive. Beyond failing to listen, we utter the first thing we think of and we fail to be active and mindful. If we communicate more creatively and more actively we can avoid reacting to others and damaging relationships with those around us.

Last, don’t get hung up on assuming the intent of the person communicating with you. What I mean is, it is impossible to know for sure what a person intended to mean when they say something to us. When I think of the missteps I make in everyday communication it is often because I assume why someone said something to me, I take offense at them for the purpose behind what they said. In reality, I can never know the intent behind their statement unless they tell me. Try and avoid making assumptions about the meaning of, and purpose behind, someone’s statement and see how it changes the flow of your communication.

These three tips are small but intensive suggestions. Practicing them all the time is difficult and I fail to do so far more often than I would like to admit. However, I find that when I put these tips into practice I am a better communicator. That said these tips are also not a panacea. They will not fix every problem you have.

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Vanessa Lemminger M.A., LMFT 53937
Marital and Family Therapist

 

© Vanessa Lemminger, M.A. Marriage and Family Therapist 53937, 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Vanessa Lemminger, Marriage and Family Therapist 53937 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

This blog (https://vanessalemminger.wordpress.com/) is for informational and educational purposes only. No therapist-client relationship arises. The information provided and any comments or opinions expressed are intended for general discussion and education only, even when based on a hypothetical. They should not be relied upon for ultimate decision-making in any specific case. There is no substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health specialist, or even a physician, who could best evaluate and advise based on a careful, considered evaluation of all pertinent facts. Likewise, it is understood that no guarantee or warranty arises from the information provided or discussed on this (https://vanessalemminger.wordpress.com/) blog.

Expectations for Therapy

Expectations for Therapy

            Coming to therapy can often be intimidating.  The treatment you receive from a therapist is much different than going to an appointment at your family doctor or the dentist, but the treatment is just as important.  To get the best out of your experience, it is helpful to know what to expect from your therapist, and what not to expect as well.

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What you can expect:

Informed consent. The first thing your therapist should do is provide an informed consent form to review and sign.  This form details your participation in therapy, and covers areas such as confidentiality, reporting laws, and your fee agreement.  If you are not asked to sign an informed consent form, this should be a red-flag.

Review of confidentiality.  Every therapist should review the limits of confidentiality, and how it applies to you specifically.  There are different laws and ethical guidelines surrounding confidentiality that differ depending on whether the client is a child under the age of 12, a child 12 years of age or older, an adult, a couple, or a parent.  It is important to know how confidentiality works, and what the legal exceptions are.  If your therapist has not reviewed this with you, ask him/her to right away.

Clear understanding of fees and scheduling. The therapist should review and confirm with you their fees and scheduling policies.  It should be clear exactly what you are paying, how long the sessions last, the policy for going over the designated session time, and any cancellation or rescheduling policy.  It should also be clear as to what methods of payment are accepted, and if you are able to use your insurance.  Often times this information is listed in the informed consent form, but if you have any questions or are not clear on everything, do not hesitate to ask your therapist for more information.

Right to end treatment.  You should never feel forced to go to therapy or that you have to complete a certain number of sessions.  A therapist will certainly recommended a desired number of sessions that would be necessary to complete your specific treatment goals, but you are never obligated to, nor should be forced to complete a set number of sessions.  Each and every session is voluntary and you should never feel pressured to continue treatment if you are not comfortable.  The only exception to this is with court-mandated treatment or treatment of a minor.

Setting goals.  It is important to set goals at the beginning of therapy, and define what it is you want to work on.  Depending on the therapist’s theoretical orientation, goals may be more specific or more general.  If you have a preference as to how you would prefer to set goals and how you want your therapy experience to feel (more concrete and structured, versus more abstract and introspective), ask your therapist what his/her theoretical orientation is, and how that affects his work as a therapist.  Some therapists are more involved and work more as an agent of change, while other therapists take a more collaborative role, working side by side with the client.  This is also dictated by the therapist’s theoretical orientation.  Find out what type of therapist and theoretical approach you are more comfortable with or that matches your style.  Often therapists work from several theoretical approaches and have a more eclectic style.  Let your therapist know what works well for you, and they can use the theoretical approach that fits best with your style.

Support.  In the therapy room you can expect to find support through the challenges you are experiencing.  Coming to therapy can help reduce feelings of isolation.   Therapy goals almost always include increasing support systems as well, as it is important that the client receives support as they work through the challenges they face.

Empathy.  Therapy is also a place where you can expect to receive empathy.  Everyone experiences challenges and seeking help does not make you weak or damaged.  Therapy provides a non-judgmental space to address your challenges, while also providing feelings of validation and understanding through the process.

Expect to work.  Part of the therapeutic process involves making changes, and to do so requires work from both you and the therapist.  Reaching your goals is going to require you to make changes, put plans into action, and require you to step outside your comfort zone.  Some therapists, depending on their theoretical orientation, will also assign homework in addition to what is worked on in therapy.  This homework works in conjunction with what is done in session.

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What NOT to expect from therapy:

Answers. Unless your therapist takes a very direct and authoritarian-type position, you should not expect to get “answers” to your problems in therapy.  Your therapist is not going to tell you whether you should stay with your partner or separate, nor whether you should quit your job or not.  Therapy is a process that results in personal growth, something a Magic 8 Ball cannot do.

Quick fix. Therapy is not a quick fix either.   One or two “power sessions” are not going to work out your marriage conflict.  The minimum amount of sessions to expect for almost any goal is at least 4, and longer for more complex relationship concerns.  If you are not quite ready to make a commitment, consider attending a workshop.  Many therapists offer a wide variety of one- or two-day workshops that address a variety of different themes: communication, intimacy, confidence, etc.

Tips and tricks.  Often parents come to therapy looking for tips and tricks to fix their “problem child”, and they are often disappointed.  The “problem child’s” behavior is almost always the result of the entire family’s dysfunction.  A more realistic expectation for parenting concerns or behavior management in therapy would be developing positive parenting strategies and reducing family conflict.

Change your partner. Therapy is not a place to find an ally to take your side during arguments with your partner, nor is it a place to “change your partner.”   Coming to therapy will not “fix” your partner or make them “see it your way.”   A more realistic expectation for therapy would be to learn how to appropriately mediate arguments, improve communication, and clarify expectations for your relationship.

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Having a clear understanding of what therapy entails, what to expect from therapy, and what is not likely to happen in therapy, will make scheduling an appointment much less distressing.  Therapy is a place to feel relief from stress, experience empathy, and find support.  Having a clear understanding of the therapy process will help maximize those feelings and move you close towards your goals.

   

    Vanessa Lemminger M.A., LMFT 53937
Marital and Family Therapist

 

© Vanessa Lemminger, M.A. Marriage and Family Therapist 53937, 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Vanessa Lemminger, Marriage and Family Therapist 53937 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.