Teaching Children to Confront Conflict

photo 3 copy

Teaching Children to Confront Conflict

One important lesson for children that is often passed over is learning to confront conflict. When a conflict between two peers occurs – for example, “Mom! Joseph threw his toy at me!” or “Mom! Sarah colored all over my picture and ruined it!” – our first response is usually to intervene and correct any wrongs. We jump in to immediately stop the argument, and dish out punishment. Does this scene look familiar?

“Mom! Joseph threw his toy at me! Then he laughed about it! It hurt really bad!”

Mom enters the room and immediately turns to Joseph.

“Joseph, did you throw your toy at Jacob? That was not okay. If you can’t play nicely then you will have to take a break up in your room. Do you understand?”

Joseph nods silently while giving his mom an apologetic stare.

In this scenario, the child tattles and the parent jumps in to lecture. The child misbehaving learns from the parent what is acceptable behavior, what is not acceptable behavior, and what is expected of him from his parent. The child also learns what consequences the parent will deliver should his behavior not change. All these lessons are important, but what is missing, however, is a lesson on confronting conflict for both children.

The child misbehaving – Joseph, in our example – is interacting with the parent only. The only person he has to apologize to is his mother, and the only reason why he should behave nicely is because his mother will be upset and he will have to take a break in his room. The consequences are dictated and determined by his mother, not his peer. This is often why children will misbehavior with peers when parents or another adult is not present.

Confronting conflict on their own (with the help of a parent), teaches children how their behavior affects their peers, and that regardless of a parent’s reprimand, there are consequences to face with their peers as well. Let’s re-approach our first example:

“Mom! Joseph threw his toy at me! Then he laughed about it! It hurt really bad!”

Mom enters the room and immediately turns to Jacob.

Mom: “Jacob, can you tell Joseph why you are upset?”

Jacob turns to Joseph: “You threw the train at me and it hit my arm! It hurt really bad!”

Mom: “Now it’s your turn to talk Joseph.”

Joseph turns to his mother, but his mother stops him: “Joseph, look at Jacob. Talk to him, not me.”

Joseph turns to Jacob, but his silent. He waits for a few seconds with an apologetic stare: “I was just giving you the train to play.”

Jacob looks at his mom prepared to rebuttal. Mom points back to Joseph with a look of encouragement.

Jacob: “You didn’t give me the toy. You threw it at me. I don’t like to play when you throw things at me.”

Joseph: “I’m sorry Jacob.”

Jacob: “It’s okay.”

In this scenario, instead of the mother being a main part of the dialog, the two children were. Jacob and Joseph were able to confront each other and discuss the conflict themselves. This situation allowed them both to practice confronting conflict, which takes a lot of courage and confidence. It also helps a child learn how to regulate their emotions and anxiety during a state of arousal. Although one child is really upset, he practiced using a calm voice to confront his peer about what was making him upset.

In addition, the children also learn how to take responsibility for their behavior. An argument of “No I didn’t! He did!” is averted when the conflict is kept between the two children. The children do not have to prove who did what, as there is no adult to mediate. The mediation is between the two children. In this situation, Joseph learned how to accept his behavior, and take responsibility for his actions. Both children also learned that it’s okay to make mistakes. When children confront conflict together, there is no “naughty” or “bad” child, just forgiveness.

Lastly, one of the most important lessons learned when a children successfully confront conflict together, is how their behavior affects others. In the conflict above, Jacob stated: “I don’t like to play when you throw things at me.” Their friendship and time together was at stake, which was more valuable to the two children than a short break in their room. When working the conflict out together, children learn there are other consequences to their actions aside from how their parent’s will react. Acceptance from peers is important, and is what will help a child from doing hurtful things in the future when a parent or teacher is not around to see.

Learning how to confront conflict is an important lesson for children that can be practiced every day at home and at school. Take the next moment of crisis during play to teach children how to work the problem out together, accept responsibility, and learn how their behavior affects others around them. Focus less on the consequences, and more on the dialog between the two children. Utilizing these teachable moments will help develop more responsible and emotionally secure children, and will leave you feeling less like a dictator, and more like a peacemaker!

nessa  Vanessa Lemminger M.A., LMFT 53937
Marital and Family Therapist

vanessalemminger.wordpress.com

 

 

 

______________________________________________________________________

© Vanessa Lemminger, M.A. Marriage and Family Therapist 53937, 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Vanessa Lemminger, Marriage and Family Therapist 53937 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

This blog (https://vanessalemminger.wordpress.com/) is for informational and educational purposes only. No therapist-client relationship arises. The information provided and any comments or opinions expressed are intended for general discussion and education only, even when based on a hypothetical. They should not be relied upon for ultimate decision-making in any specific case. There is no substitute for consultation with a qualified mental health specialist, or even a physician, who could best evaluate and advise based on a careful, considered evaluation of all pertinent facts. Likewise, it is understood that no guarantee or warranty arises from the information provided or discussed on this (https://vanessalemminger.wordpress.com/) blog.

 

 

Expectations for Therapy

Expectations for Therapy

            Coming to therapy can often be intimidating.  The treatment you receive from a therapist is much different than going to an appointment at your family doctor or the dentist, but the treatment is just as important.  To get the best out of your experience, it is helpful to know what to expect from your therapist, and what not to expect as well.

______________________________________________________________________

What you can expect:

Informed consent. The first thing your therapist should do is provide an informed consent form to review and sign.  This form details your participation in therapy, and covers areas such as confidentiality, reporting laws, and your fee agreement.  If you are not asked to sign an informed consent form, this should be a red-flag.

Review of confidentiality.  Every therapist should review the limits of confidentiality, and how it applies to you specifically.  There are different laws and ethical guidelines surrounding confidentiality that differ depending on whether the client is a child under the age of 12, a child 12 years of age or older, an adult, a couple, or a parent.  It is important to know how confidentiality works, and what the legal exceptions are.  If your therapist has not reviewed this with you, ask him/her to right away.

Clear understanding of fees and scheduling. The therapist should review and confirm with you their fees and scheduling policies.  It should be clear exactly what you are paying, how long the sessions last, the policy for going over the designated session time, and any cancellation or rescheduling policy.  It should also be clear as to what methods of payment are accepted, and if you are able to use your insurance.  Often times this information is listed in the informed consent form, but if you have any questions or are not clear on everything, do not hesitate to ask your therapist for more information.

Right to end treatment.  You should never feel forced to go to therapy or that you have to complete a certain number of sessions.  A therapist will certainly recommended a desired number of sessions that would be necessary to complete your specific treatment goals, but you are never obligated to, nor should be forced to complete a set number of sessions.  Each and every session is voluntary and you should never feel pressured to continue treatment if you are not comfortable.  The only exception to this is with court-mandated treatment or treatment of a minor.

Setting goals.  It is important to set goals at the beginning of therapy, and define what it is you want to work on.  Depending on the therapist’s theoretical orientation, goals may be more specific or more general.  If you have a preference as to how you would prefer to set goals and how you want your therapy experience to feel (more concrete and structured, versus more abstract and introspective), ask your therapist what his/her theoretical orientation is, and how that affects his work as a therapist.  Some therapists are more involved and work more as an agent of change, while other therapists take a more collaborative role, working side by side with the client.  This is also dictated by the therapist’s theoretical orientation.  Find out what type of therapist and theoretical approach you are more comfortable with or that matches your style.  Often therapists work from several theoretical approaches and have a more eclectic style.  Let your therapist know what works well for you, and they can use the theoretical approach that fits best with your style.

Support.  In the therapy room you can expect to find support through the challenges you are experiencing.  Coming to therapy can help reduce feelings of isolation.   Therapy goals almost always include increasing support systems as well, as it is important that the client receives support as they work through the challenges they face.

Empathy.  Therapy is also a place where you can expect to receive empathy.  Everyone experiences challenges and seeking help does not make you weak or damaged.  Therapy provides a non-judgmental space to address your challenges, while also providing feelings of validation and understanding through the process.

Expect to work.  Part of the therapeutic process involves making changes, and to do so requires work from both you and the therapist.  Reaching your goals is going to require you to make changes, put plans into action, and require you to step outside your comfort zone.  Some therapists, depending on their theoretical orientation, will also assign homework in addition to what is worked on in therapy.  This homework works in conjunction with what is done in session.

_____________________________________________________________________

What NOT to expect from therapy:

Answers. Unless your therapist takes a very direct and authoritarian-type position, you should not expect to get “answers” to your problems in therapy.  Your therapist is not going to tell you whether you should stay with your partner or separate, nor whether you should quit your job or not.  Therapy is a process that results in personal growth, something a Magic 8 Ball cannot do.

Quick fix. Therapy is not a quick fix either.   One or two “power sessions” are not going to work out your marriage conflict.  The minimum amount of sessions to expect for almost any goal is at least 4, and longer for more complex relationship concerns.  If you are not quite ready to make a commitment, consider attending a workshop.  Many therapists offer a wide variety of one- or two-day workshops that address a variety of different themes: communication, intimacy, confidence, etc.

Tips and tricks.  Often parents come to therapy looking for tips and tricks to fix their “problem child”, and they are often disappointed.  The “problem child’s” behavior is almost always the result of the entire family’s dysfunction.  A more realistic expectation for parenting concerns or behavior management in therapy would be developing positive parenting strategies and reducing family conflict.

Change your partner. Therapy is not a place to find an ally to take your side during arguments with your partner, nor is it a place to “change your partner.”   Coming to therapy will not “fix” your partner or make them “see it your way.”   A more realistic expectation for therapy would be to learn how to appropriately mediate arguments, improve communication, and clarify expectations for your relationship.

______________________________________________________________________

Having a clear understanding of what therapy entails, what to expect from therapy, and what is not likely to happen in therapy, will make scheduling an appointment much less distressing.  Therapy is a place to feel relief from stress, experience empathy, and find support.  Having a clear understanding of the therapy process will help maximize those feelings and move you close towards your goals.

   nessa

    Vanessa Lemminger M.A., LMFT 53937
Marital and Family Therapist

 

© Vanessa Lemminger, M.A. Marriage and Family Therapist 53937, 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Vanessa Lemminger, Marriage and Family Therapist 53937 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.